I had a serious girlfriend and we broke up, and I didn't want to be in Greensboro. I ended up moving back to Chapel Hill to figure out what I wanted to do next and ended up getting away from the whole landscaping industry for awhile. I worked in a restaurant. I worked for a mail order soccer company called Euro Sport for three years. Ultimately I said, "I'm sick of this. I'm inside working in a warehouse all day. This is not what I want to do." I wanted to go out and get connected with the plants and soil again but I didn't want to be a contractor for hire. I wanted to come with a different focus. I wanted to use my skills to help in a more meaningful way for me.

I was interested in community gardening, but I had no clue how to get involved. There were no community garden programs that I knew about in this area. The ones I had experienced were in urban centers like New York City, so I figured that I was going to have to move. I was conversing with a friend talking about this whole deal of exploring community gardens and this friend knew of a person who had just got a grant for a community garden program in Durham. So I got in contact with this person. That was four years ago. That's how I got involved with this company I work for now called Seeds (South Eastern Efforts Developing Sustainable Spaces).

I started out as garden director. We got a plot of land and got permission from a company to use space that they were using as a garden center. It was vacant and overrun with weeds and so I was brought on to clean it up, define it, and make it look like a garden. At the same time we were hiring men and women who were transitioning out of homelessness so they could learn new skills and help them get back on their feet.

Now my job has switched to more of a community outreach where I try to get people involved in this garden that we've established, as well as try to help people transform vacant lots in their community... Kind of like a gardener counselor.

Initially it was a lot of counseling and that part I wasn't really prepared for because a lot of the men and women who were transitioning out of homelessness in the Durham area also had chemical dependency issues. I was totally unprepared for handling that. But it's been a really good experience for me. It took me a couple of years to feel like it wasn't so overwhelming or that I could handle the pace..

What I've been able to do lately is also incorporate hobbies into the work. For example, I really like art and on this particular site we have as a garden, we were able to get involved with artists and have them come and do pieces for the garden. So this got me in touch with the art community and that's something that I really wanted to be a part of. Also with video and film, I'm taking a class now and I've been able to incorporate that into my work as well. We did a photo exhibit that I worked on for about nine months that documented the people that used one of our garden spaces and how they interacted with the space. So I had the opportunity to produce that. At the heart of what I want to do is try to deal with some of these ugly issues that nag at society, like racism and homelessness, and do so in an urban setting to incorporate art and film and some of the things I like to help people. I think that I'm finally pulling all these things in.

After four years I was like, "I need a new twist to this." It just so happens that my interests like art I've figured out a way to use these things as tools for outreach. I don't know if it was , "Okay these are things I'm interested in, let me find a way to incorporate them in my work." Or, at the same time it just so happens that I could use my interests as tools to address some of the problems we're facing. Either way, it served the purpose of keeping me engaged, but at the same time figured out a way to pull people in. That's were it is now. I don't have it all figured out, but I feel like I'm on the right path.

I think that I always had an interest in being outside. I was really geared and like "trades." I always thought trades like brick masons where you used your hands to build something that would last 100 years or stone masonry or carpentry were interesting because you were outside and contributing something that was long lasting. But I didn't know how to apply my interests. Originally I was an industrial technology major where you learn how to build buildings, but for the first semester I was in these blueprint classes. I needed to be outside in labs, building things rather than sitting at a desk and going through the stuff on paper. That's why the landscaping program was so perfect for me. It allowed me to be in a classroom but yet go out and build arbors and walkways and learn how to climb trees and learn how to drive a truck and all those practical things that I can measure and say, "Wow, this is worth it." I can see the results.

It seems like for whatever reason I have more of a sense of where I want to go now that I've found my passion. Most of my peers, a lot of them, seem like they're still searching. They've gone and got their degrees or second degrees, but still haven't found their niche yet. For whatever reason I seemed to have concentrated on not so much at finding a career, but on what I wanted to get out of life and what it is that I want to contribute. I'm at a point where I'm feeling that I want to be happy.

I want to be able to contribute to other people's success. And that in itself when I think of how these other things like studying video or planting gardens affects other people, at the end of the day that's the thing that keep me in the right frame of mind. I think that's what it is all about, finding ways to impact others positively.

Success is getting up and looking at that person in the mirror and feeling good about who you are and feeling that you have done something, no matter how small it is, to try and improve the quality of life of those around you, whether it be chipmunks or people [laughs]. I feel like I'm a link in a chain and here's my time to contribute and as long as I'm thinking and moving that way I feel like I'm successful. I had to get away from material things. I look at some people and they're doing this or that, but that doesn't make me happy. I'm trying to find the rhythm in my life that makes me feel good about what I'm trying to do and the efforts I'm trying to make. No one can take that away from you. There's so many obstacles in the world and so many ways to measure success that it gets kind of crazy.

In my job I get to know people at the bottom of the financial ladder and those at the top. You get to see that no matter what side you're on, you are still going to have problems. Money is not going to lead to total happiness. What leads to total happiness? I don't know, but through daily trials and meeting a lot of people I've figured out that I think what I value the most is my health. If you don't have the capacity of the mind and body, then the other stuff is secondary.

I think you have to take time to meditate or search and find out who you are and what makes you happy. A lot of times you're driven by what makes your parents happy or so-and-so happy. For me I had to get away from that and spend a little time by myself to find out who I was and what makes me tick and what really matters. That's the beginning, to find out who you are and search yourself.

I grew up an only child so I'm accustomed to spending a fair amount of time alone, but I think through being outside and in the garden is very therapeutic. You have all this open space and time to work through issues. Also, I'm still fairly athletic and I get to work out things that way. I've read and was interested in meditation and figuring out ways to ask yourself questions and then listen to your inner voice. I think primarily just spending time alone for me is what helps. Finally, I think finding the courage to talk about some issues with others once I've worked through them myself.

When you measure success, it's important to take baby steps. When you first start to ride a bike, you use training wheels. You need to look at the little things as success as well as the big things. Getting up, leaving the house and returning home everyday is a success. Start with the little things and build on it-- love in your heart, a great smile. For me, being thankful for the things you have, no matter how small it seems, is valuable in finding success. Another thing that helps me when I'm feeling down or have a bout of self pity is to go out and help others. It doesn't take long in the work I do to look around and see someone less fortunate than you. Helping others brings about joy and you realize that it's not always about you feeling good. It's about contributing. Having something to contribute makes you feel connected and gives a sense of belonging and purpose.